Terrible Sacrifices

2011-10-03T00:53:00.002-04:00

ESOPHAGUS (Release) from Fly Trap Films on Vimeo.

On scene entitlement and live performances...

2011-09-27T01:17:00.007-04:00

On January 3rd 2009, I made the decision that the show I played the night before would be the final one. I felt that it was the last in a string of performances that were mediocre at best and embarrassing at worst, made all the worse by being matched with groups that shared zero similar interests or motivations which attracted a crowd that was consistently not at all into what I do. A low point was seeing the group I opened for tout around a mentally impaired black man and try to sell people on the fact that they were great because they touted around a "retarded black man who raps with us." Another problem was the logistics of being forced to play in places that had zero interest in underground/obscure/austere music, but caved into the pressure of putting on shows on their off-nights because they were buddies with the members of the groups that were playing. That's all well and good except for the fact that they wanted the music so low that their clientele were still able to talk over it (and they certainly did that). The closer I got to reaching the uncomfortable nadir of it all, belly dancers were brought in to dress up the music for potential onlookers and after two shows of being paired with someone who doesn't understand that some music lacks a danceable beat, I had my fill of dance as an artform in and of itself.

A year had passed, I caved in and wanted to play a show in Norfolk that was put on by Swim Harder Cassettes, which very unfortunately fell through because of car trouble. Some time later, someone in Maryland invited me to play a festival of black metal, noise and horror films, which fell through when our communication came to a halt. Last month, after having sold the majority of my equipment while unemployed, the person responsible for the show in January 2009 came out of nowhere and asked if I would play a similarly themed show in October. I immediately replied that I couldn't because of having no equipment whatsoever. I was offered this person's equipment to use, and I declined again. Then I felt bad and thought I could make an effort to get enough equipment to make for a barebones set while still being One Lifeless Eye, and I said that I MIGHT be able to do it, POSSIBLY. A few weeks later I see my name on a flyer for said show. At this point I haven't acquired a quarter of the gear I need to do anything in public, nevermind anything good. After scouring the local music stores, being an ebay vulture and seeing that I couldn't regain the necessary gear without spending at least $500, I asked to take my name off the flyer. And i've come to find out that this makes me human garbage to this person. Fine with me.

That being said, here are some of my positions on playing shows, for the sake of clarification and to help alleviate some stress and anger that I really don't need to be harboring.

1: I am not here to provide a backdrop for ANYTHING. I'm not some dark ambient guy who makes music for your kvlt bubble bath time, I am not here to provide a mood for your art opening and I am not here to provide an ambient segueway for "the real show." My shows are all planned with the formula of preamble, rising action, climax and falling action and if you ask me to play a show, that's what i'm going to play.

2: The reason I started playing the occasional show in the first place was to try sharing my ideas, experiences, sounds and visuals with people who I think and hope would find some resonance therein. I would like them to share their own ideas, experiences, sounds, visuals and whatever else they'd like to share in response. I've formed some strong bonds this way and am thankful that I had the opportunity to form those bonds. I will not be forming those bonds if i'm constantly opening for a band with an intentionally terrible name, making terrible music for the sake of irony and likening the entire noise genre to Neil Hamburger. This sounds stand-offish but I know for a fact that I won't be forming those bonds in that climate because in the past four years of existing in that very climate, i've found no opportunity to do such a thing. Sorry, irony is not my scene. Plese try not to take it personally when I come to the conclusion that there's nothing in it for me to be maintain a consistent presence in the completely wrong scene.

3: I do not understand you when anyone tells me I should be "in it for the sake of art." If you want to talk to me about art, first you have to define what art is and then maybe i'll agree with you. However, the chances are fairly certain that I will not agree with you because if I did agree with you, you would never have had to tell me to play your show in the name of art. I would've been sold on it beforehand. Of course, everyone has their own meaning of art and everyone has their own idea of what makes their art important to themselves. A lot of people who start these areacode noise collectives have the idea that their art is important to themselves as long as it's important to society or the local scene or whomever they want to impress or insult, and I don't agree with that mentality at all. I don't expect you to believe what I believe, please show me that same respect. If you're putting on a show to say "FUCK YOU" to the people who have a certain expectation of what noise or music or performance is, then count me out.

4: The concept of playing a show for free has worn VERY thin since the first show in 2003. The only show I played that paid out was at the Badgerhaus in Raleigh, NC, and it was for $11 and I was surprised when I got it. Shuttling around every month or so in the local area is one thing, but if you want me to drive three states away, you'd best be throwing me some gas money. "BUT JAMES THAT'S NOT WHY WE'RE IN IT BLABLABLA SAKE OF ART," go fuck yourself, my art isn't entirely free. Sorry.

5: Finally, and most importantly, if you have nothing invested in me as a friend or as anyone you even remotely give a shit about other than a name to fill the vacancy in your "evening of experimental music program," then please don't be hurt when I treat you the same way. It's not often that I approach someone about playing a show. I'd say that 80% of the time that I end up playing out it's because someone asked me to do it, and I find it increasingly difficult to deal with people who take it as a personal insult when I say that I can't do it. Look, guy, I don't owe you a whole lot. You asked, I declined. I'd say sorry but at this point i'm tired of apologizing to people who want me to do something I really do not want to do. As it stands right now, there are about four people who I would play a show for, and some of us are still in talks of putting together what would be a perfect show in a perfect venue, and it'll be fun when it happens. But in the meantime if someone asks me to do a show in the immediate future, due to lack of equipment the answer is "no." Maybe some other time.

Cursed Night+

2011-07-13T23:13:00.005-04:00

CURSED NIGHT+

I just discovered an untitled CD-R containing material that was planned to be the second part of the Cursed Night EP from 2003. The first three tracks are mostly finished, created using audio from Super Castlevania IV, but still a bit rough-hewn for my tastes. The fourth track was made using audio samples from the Japanese horror RPG Sweet Home and is as finished as it will ever be. Save the final track, a piece composed entirely in MIDI using the NES sound palette, the rest of this is the original Cursed Night EP preserved for archival purposes only. This was recorded right before obscure music could easily be found, so I banked on the material fading from view as soon as the limited print run ran out, but the climate has certainly changed since then...

One Lifeless Eye MP3s

2011-06-26T22:36:00.021-04:00

In the interest of preservation, I offer what I have left of my musical output. That my external hard drive, used as a backup for all of my original sound files, spontaneously erased itself recently was the final acceptance that there's no reason to continue making and releasing music. More will be added as I find time to rip audio the CDs I have but for now...

SHATTERED
What I consider a poorly recorded magnum opus, wherein I tried to articulate equally the death of the person I was closest to with the destruction of god. My inept Paradise Lost

THREE LIGHTS EXTINGUISHED
Darkness, torment, nightmares and pure hell. The closest i've come to achieving a perfect, desired sound

GRAVESOIL
Childhood loss, surmounting emotional trauma and the beginning of what became a lifelong recurring nightmare

THE WORDS THAT FORM HIS NAME
Wrnlrd told me that if "Shattered" was a field recording of what hell sounded like, this is a full band trying to emulate it. I can't come up with a description more apt than that.

OMNIPATHY
Hateful live documentation from the Wilmington, NC area from 2009 to 2010

THEOPATHY
Live noise material that was to be part of a secret anonymous cassette release, thrown into the ether as a companion to Omnipathy

CURSED NIGHT+
A collection beginning with three nearly completed songs partially formed from Super Castlevania IV samples, one finished song formed from samples of the gore-drenched Famicom game Sweet Home, the entire Cursed Night EP from 2003 and a song made entirely with the NES as a Midi source

REQUIEM
From a split 7" with Ave Adonai

IN THE SHADOW OF HIS WING
A brief excursion into shadowy black metal

VARCOLAC
Another brief excursion into death/doom metal

LIVE AT THE CONVENT 11/01/2003
A brief clip of my first live performance ever in November 2003, opening up for a RVA hardcore band called Born in Blood. This is all that remains of the 30 minute performance. We got shut down by the police for being too loud. 'Twas hardcore

TEMPERING THE GLASS HEART: LIVE AT BOTTEGA 9/11/2008
Full recording from said date and time. Not quite good enough to end up on Omnipathy but here it is

Hannya Tattoo

2011-06-20T19:20:00.003-04:00

Medusa needs a counterweight for the right shoulder, and I do believe Hannya is the best choice. While Medusa's tale is plagued by divine wrath without provocation, a punishment far outweighing her purported crime and an eventual realization as an object meant only to further someone else's goals, Hannya is a slightly different beast. In Noh theater Hannya represents a woman driven to demonic tendencies by unrequited love, manifesting as both bloodthirsty rage and crippling sorrow depending on the position of the actor's mask. Whenever I lash out at people, it's almost always in response to being slighted or feeling unrequited in some manner, and I know I often take it to an extreme from the start. Whenever I withdraw from the world it's for the same reasons. At the root of it all is the same emotion.

Interview:One Lifeless Eye

2011-02-10T23:43:00.007-05:00

In the interest of self-service, i'm posting this self-fulfilled interview until more of them start coming in. Please forgive me (or don't).

What was it that made you aspire to go in a creative direction instead of something that’s viewed upon as a more industrious career, going back as far as you can remember?

I remember being very blank-minded when I was very young, until I got a Nintendo Entertainment System for my birthday in 1986. After that I started paying more attention to visual and audible sensations and harbored an obsession with drawing and making sounds that lasted well into adulthood.

If you could pick a few people, bands or ideas that made you pursue music, what would they be? What about them inspired you so?

Black Sabbath was the first band I paid any attention to, mainly on the album “Sabotage” with its unique mixture of sullen and enraged songwriting and spectral textures. Beyond that, the work of Swans, Diamanda Galas, Gorecki and Penderecki demonstrated how much more passion and emotion can be infused into sound and song and people like Keiji Haino, Never Presence Forever and Wrnlrd helped refine exactly how and why music can exist as art and emotion at once.

How much of your work comes from an external influence and how much is internal? Do you have trouble balancing the two?

The influence is almost entirely internal. But for certain emotions that are triggered by outside events or personalities (“An Eternity Without Pain” deals with women that I admired), the sounds and images come from internal drama and aren’t inspired by what other artists do.

How entwined is your artwork or visual approach with your music?

One does not exist without the other.

Do you expect that listeners will pick up on any of your personal inspirations for your songs? Is it at all important that anybody would?

It’s not important that a listener knows exactly what event or image drives a particular song as much as it’s important that there’s an emotional resonance connected to it, whatever that may be for whoever decides to listen.

In your live performances, how well do you think your work came across in the setting?

After a lot of trial and error i’ve reached a point where even a lackluster performance is at least conceptually and aurally apt, if not indicative of something you’d hear on an album, but it took a lot of fuck ups to get here. At my best, I can feel the tone of the environment change as my performance changes suites and I lose myself in the aether.

What do you fear the most?

Loss is the bane of my existence and the one thing I truly fear.

Do you think there exists an invisible world?

As much as I reject the idea that there are hidden forces motivating and shaping the world as I perceive it, there are moments when I can’t help but heel like a divine hand is pushing me in a certain direction. It feels great to think that there’s a meaning to what i’m doing in this world, and that maybe after enough failed ambitions and false promises i’m finally going to reach that comfort point. Unfortunately these instances haven’t worked out in my favour at all. A tattoo of Medusa on my arm represents this idea that if there is a hidden hand shaping the world, some of us are meant to fail so that our failures can be utilized by someone else to achieve their own goals. I completely hate this concept but the imagery serves as a reminder to not make certain mistakes for certain types of people ever again.

Did you have any aspirations when you started making music that have been met at this point?

One of my main aspirations was to come into contact with like-minded artists, which i’m very thankful to say has been fulfilled.

Of your current body of work, what makes you the most proud?

An unreleased collaborative album with Wrnlrd called “Palimpsest.” It’s the album I always wished I could make but never actually could without assistance from the right person.

If by this point you can't find a post with a link to any of my music or art on my own fucking blog, you're too far gone for me to help.

Interview:Factoria

2011-02-06T21:14:00.006-05:00

In a scene where every last person is trying to force their way through a niche by claiming to be the most "anything" (the word "brutal" gets a lot of attention here), the idea of someone aiming to make the most boring music ever seems novel at first. Metaphysical ideas certainly aren't beyond the scope of marketing, nevermind for an underground band ("my music is so existentialist that it's on a format you can't hear"), so why not give the most boring music ever a shot, just to say you've heard it? Maybe it's not that the music is boring, but that it's humbled to the point of being bare from a marketing standpoint. It didn't take long for me to find out that Joan Hacker's work under the name Factoria isn't about being dull to the point of anomaly, rather it's an examination of pretense in music. I can't sit here and describe an irresistible conceptual hook that will compell you to consume and proselytize everything that is Factoria other than that the music is intriguing and beautiful in a seemingly simple way. Joan's voice hovers over a lurching backdrop of clean guitar, unobtrusive percussion and unidentifiable murk, speaking to figures from her past about things we, as listeners, are not privy to. This isn't pop music trying to force you into identifying with it, nor is it obtuse ideas made obtuse for the sake of identity. It's just music.

What was it that made you aspire to go in a creative direction instead of something that’s viewed upon as a more “industrious” career, going back as far as you can remember?

Regarding creative aspirations, I suppose it was, and remains, inherent: the crayon sets and musical instruments I received as a child never went unused. The role of such tools as vehicles of emotional communication became more apparent as I grew older.

As far as choosing a career goes, I only decided to dedicate myself to the arts earlier this year, 2010. It was a cold night in late February, around midnight, clear except for a ring around the nearly full moon when something compelled me to recall my priorities and find that, for now, pursuing the arts is the most enjoyable and expedient way to align my spiritual and material paths.

If you could pick a few people, bands or ideas that made you pursue music, what would they be? What about them inspired you so?

Naturally, coming up in the early 90s, I idolized Axl Rose and Slash and was completely turned on by the idea of being in a position where I got an unlimited supply of drugs and sex, and was worshipped as a god. Who wouldn’t want to be Jim (“Fuckin’!”) Morrison going to weird parties and getting blowjobs in elevators, able to justify erratic behavior simply by writing some drug-induced poetry now and then? Problem was, I was, and still am to an extent, very, very quiet and shy, so it’s taken me some time to find my voice.

My earliest musical memories include listening to “Walking in L.A.” by the Missing Persons and The Police’s Synchronicity album in my Dad’s car, possibly his El Camino. That one could create a sound environment to further characterize lyrics intrigued me. I also loved the strange synthesizer music of television opening sequences, like that of CHiPs. My mom encouraged my participation in school music programs and I played cello, viola, flute and tenor sax. My dad bought me my acoustic guitar (I hadn’t specified electric...!) when I was about 14 and senior year, having been exposed to bands like Einstürzende Neubauten and Kraftwerk through friends, I took an electronic music course and experimented with soundscapes.

I’d say the first band I played in as a teenager, Food, embraced hippie ideals of mind exploration and the desire to heal society through beauty and/or truth. We followed Seattle bands like Sky Cries Mary and Tchkung! who, in their own ways, addressed ideas of beauty, destruction, and community. When I moved to New York for college, I tried to play with some quite talented friends but my self-consciousness got in the way and I decided that I had to do things on my own.

Over the next few years, given my lack of songwriting knowledge and recording resources, I think it was natural to draw inspiration from the like of Hank Williams and Beck’s first album, One Foot in the Grave, which is very low-fi; also, GG Allin’s acoustic prison recordings. Stories of Frank Tovey (Fad Gadget) making sound collages under Daniel Miller’s stairs, or however it went, opened my eyes up to how sequencing and multi-tracking enabled a single person to do many things at once. Living in my own crappy corner of Washington Heights, I started making homemade loops and songs on my newly, and very proudly, acquired 4-track.

In Australia, living with someone who gave me some insight on recording techniques and receiving a multi-tracking program for my computer, I integrated acoustic and synthesized sounds and the first songs for what would become “The Longest Summer” emerged.

How much of your work comes from an external influence and how much is internal? Do you have trouble balancing the two?

It’s both. I speculate that I respond to artists who more or less convey the sublime using the tools and language specific to them. I would like to continue that tradition, using my own language. I think that is the goal and only possibility for an artist: to refine his or her inherently authentic language, which is necessarily shaped by external influences, to communicate the internal experience of the sublime. I wouldn't say trouble, it's just part of the process.

How entwined is your artwork or visual approach with your music?

I approach everything related to Factoria with a lo-fi/lo-tech, homemade mindset. It is in direct response to my non-professional circumstances, but I also happen to like evidence of the human hand in the arts; I find imperfection interesting.

In your live performances, how well do you think your work came across in the setting?

Not very well! I get nervous; and over the course of the handful of Factoria performances, I haven’t yet worked out a good method for mixing and timing the backing tracks and my performance. I think I’ve gotten over some of my stage fright by now, and I’d like to find people to play with, so maybe there’s a future for live Factoria!

You’ve claimed that Factoria was an attempt to make the most boring music ever, and while I don’t find that your music is boring, I am curious as to why you aimed to occupy that particular mantle.

Ahaha well, to be honest, by boring I actually mean... without pretense. Not dramatic. Not seeking attention. It seems that some people want to assert themselves over everything, form a particular identity and iterate it over and over, brand themselves. I just want to let things be themselves.
Maybe also it’s the idea of like a quiet stream, the gentle sound of which might lull you into a thoughtful state.
Whenever I complained of boredom as a teenager, my Dad would reply, “You must be a boring person!” Hahaha I now have the gift of being endlessly occupied by the most seemingly boring things.

Are you moved more by natural settings or by the urban landscape?

My fishbowl is adorned with many nice lights and colors, and sounds echo throughout!

Do you think it’s a coincidence that you cannot spell the word “knowledge” without including an owl?

Aaahahaha well, etymologically, it appears to be a coincidence! It’s hard to say how much owls know. I wonder what sort of conscious or unconscious knowledge is passed down through generations of wild animals. I think animals know suffering so I hope people will avoid harming them and their habitats.

What do you fear the most?

I’m not fond of flying.

Did you have any aspirations when you started making music that have been met at this point?

Well, I was very happy to finally put out my EP, despite its and my flaws and shortcomings.

Of your current body of work, what makes you the most proud?

I will be very happy when the 7” single of my next CD is pressed and out the door because I like the songs a lot and the sound is cleaner.

Factoria "Mind to Wander"

Explore. Listen to more of Joan's work and see some of her photography here: Factoria Muzak.

Interview:Somnaphon

2011-02-06T20:28:00.007-05:00

"We all must do certain things to maintain order"

I've heard endless paraphrases of this statement, mostly from military types, educators, most parental figures and those who are inclined towards law-enforcement (whether they actually work in the field or wish they did instead of becoming realtors). My argument that 'order doesn't exist if you have to work this hard at maintaining it' usually falls on deaf ears, but I wonder if exposing these people to such a figure as August Traeger would make them to aknowledge that chaos is a force inherit and dominating in this reality. Now, to mistake chaos as randomness is a mistake. There are plently of operators in this vague field of experimental/noise who embrace randomness to the point of making a pattern out of it, but even rarer are the few whose music is structured to a negative, a non-entity. The sounds you hear on a Somnaphon album are surely structured and well conceived, but the source is not something as simple as "I am influenced by Coil, so why can't I have abstract sound next to dancy rythmns?" The source is an energy and August is the humbled conduit. This is chaos.

What was it that made you aspire to go in a creative direction instead of something that’s viewed upon as a more industrious career, going back as far as you can remember?

The creative aspect and motivation has always been there, ever since I can remember. There was nothing in particular that pushed me. Just a desire for freedom and the ability to do as I pleased with my time. As I’ve gotten older however, there are a multitude of motivations, namely the disdain for mind-numbing and menial work. The expected lifestyle we’re sold (marriage/children/mortgage/mid-life crisis/retirement/funeral) is all a con-trick.

If you could pick a few people, bands or ideas that made you pursue music, what would they be? What about them inspired you so?

Again, I have always been creating music/songs in one form or another since I was very little. Must have been all of those records of children’s songs. No particular bands inspired to pursue music, though there are countless bands and artists that are continually inspiring.

How much of your work comes from an external influence and how much is internal? Do you have trouble balancing the two?

It’s all a continuum of influential energies. There is no reason to separate the two. It may not be possible to separate them.

How entwined is your artwork or visual approach with your music?

For any album, by anyone, not just myself, the artwork is intimately intertwined with the sound. Both are part of the atmosphere. That’s why net label releases and other digital releases, unless indefinitely tied with a video or film, will never have that same atmosphere. A collection of mp3s with a jpg attachment is not a complete album.

Do consecutive ironies form a congealed irony or do they cancel each other out?

Who cares? I don’t know. Wouldn’t a series of consecutive ironies ultimately become a parody. And self-referential parodies are the worst kind.

Do you think the term “cheesy” has a valid place in the discussion of music, or do you find it to be used by people who have no way of judging if what they hear has value or not?

I prefer more descriptive words such as “terrible”, “derivative”, “generic”, “pathetic”, etc.

In your live performances, how well do you think your work came across in the setting?

For my most recent solo performance I think it came across quite well. Other times not so well. Again, it all comes down to the atmosphere and/or visual aspect. There’s nothing worse than one or two people on stage just turning knobs with the standard stage lighting, playing generic, derivative and ultimately pathetic music. Even if the music is fantastic it still needs a complementary atmosphere.

Have you been able to isolate or identify any of the beings that possess your body during live performances?

The possessions are usually by pure chaotic and demonic energy. Thus there hasn’t been possession by living or deceased entities or anything like that. These are energies that have never existed in a material realm. If I’m wrong and there have been beings entering my body, they failed to leave their business card.

What do you fear the most?

One Lifeless Eye.

Did you have any aspirations when you started making music that have been met at this point?

My only goal has been to not get worse with time.

Of your current body of work, what makes you the most proud?

“Fire Mind Wisdom” because I’m still amazed that I made it out of those sessions alive.

Somnaphon "Red Equinox"

Those curious can find out all the information they need about August Traeger & Somnaphon from his label Bichephalic Records.

Four Women

2010-11-15T18:39:00.004-05:00

Clarity

2010-11-09T23:16:00.003-05:00

"To put your trust in men is to be killed..." - Louis-Ferdinand Celine

It would be ironic to note that I quote this often, regardless of its original context, as a succinct summary of my worldview, and yet I am the kind of fool that constantly bases his own self-esteem on the reactions of others. Yet, as this is not a play it's less ironic than it is very unfortunate and ultimately human. I consider the drawing above to be a breaking point in my artistic ascent. It was put to paper straight from the pen, without a guide, without a reference and without corrections, in a storm of would-be passion and admiration for a particular person. That person asked me for a drawing and I wanted to provide something greater, something that whispered to a sequestered emotion or caressed some sort of metaphysical pleasure point, something that would brand me forever into this person's life as both an act and an artifact. This is the resulting drawing. The moment I handed the drawing over, some guy sitting next to us blew smoke onto it and my speech to the jury of why I would have been absolved of guilt for murdering this man was instantly scribed to my brain. The person who asked for the drawing did not take it home but left it in the care of someone else, who put it face down on the floor of his car. I don't know if it was ever used for its intended purposes, nor do I know if the drawing itself even exists anymore. That person remains unbranded. My creative flame diminished. That person does not care one way or the other. I am well aware that my expectations are absurd and that it's inherintly foolish to part with an original work, nevermind one with so much weight, but these are just words that fail to penetrate whatever ruinous membrane it is that contains this collective pain that continues to nauseate me. My skin crawls, my eyes inflame and I feel unspeakably ugly down to the bone. I would tell anyone else feeling this same way that there's nothing in life worth getting this worked up over but I can't take my own advice. My mind dictates this but it's almost as if my body itself refutes everything. While it's always rang true that I can't trust other people, that mandate also includes me. I don't know what to do.

Drawing Down the Moon

2010-10-31T01:33:00.000-04:00

Ink // 2010

Happy Halloween everybody.

Isabella

2010-10-31T00:38:00.002-04:00

I can never say "no" to this.

Death Presents Itself

2010-10-27T01:32:00.004-04:00

"You, who spent your years glorifying the dead
Now you will learn the aching moan of eternity
And hear the screeching of the gears that turn this world"

Pieta Buttons

2010-10-08T17:04:00.004-04:00

They glow in the dark. You want one.

Pieta

2010-10-07T23:55:00.006-04:00

Ink // 2004

This is self-exlanatory.

I had some shirts printed up with this design in October 2005 to coincide with the third 804Noise Fest and the release of my first pro-pressed CD. My friend Mark Lemaire makes it a point to wear it every Christmas. Very heartwarming.

Childhood Fears

2010-10-07T17:22:00.006-04:00

Ink // 2010

My earliest memories were of a very uneasy, uncertain time in a loud urban environment where there always seemed to be some kind of threat looming not too distantly. I remember living with my aunt & uncle and their two children and seeing my parents for what seemed like only an hour or two per week. Adding to the everpresent sounds of tires screeching outside the window and the ebb and flow of police sirens, everyone swore up and down that the house we were living in was haunted, so every time the house settled or a light flickered, it was just as likely to have been the work of a poltergeist than anything else. My cousin Mark and I would play endless Nintendo games and often run screaming from the game room after playing 'Friday the 13th' for too long. We'd squabble over whether Freddy Kruger or the grim reaper would win in a fist-fight. He and his father Mickey would usually succeed in terrifying me just by describing an abstract situation. Uncle Mickey, with his long black hair teased out and always wearing a torn-up band t-shirt emblazoned with the staple imagery of 80's heavy metal which I found unquestionable frightening (Eddie, razorblades, etc.), always maintained a distance from the world and had a detailed answer for every question we asked him, giving him a very scholarly demeanor. That being said, he kept a clove of garlic when driving through the Holland Tunnel, and threw it out the window at the precise moment because he insisted that a vampire was trapped there. All these things were fun while they were happening but I remember everything reaching a fever-pitch one night and I felt overwhelmed by the myriad spookiness and started crying. Uncle Mickey showed up and listened to me spout all these worries about criminals bursting in through the windows and ghosts and vampires and other spooky shit, to which he responded in so many words that the best way to keep a threatening presence away from you is to become even scarier than the threat itself. He reassured me that any thug or manifested specter that entered his house had to deal with him before anyone else, which is why he wore such scary shirts. A short time later something happened behind the scenes and I didn't see any of them again until my late teens, so I was no longer privy to that distinct imagery for a long time. I was a bit surprised when found out that these insane shirts Uncle Mickey wore were Iron Maiden shirts and not the festering symbols of death and fear that my child brain remembered, but at least I knew then that he had pretty good taste.

Here's to you, Uncle Mickey, wherever you may be.

Yrsel 'Sacrifice'

2010-10-02T19:01:00.004-04:00

Ink // 2010

Julien of The Austrasian Goat, Meny Hellkin & Death to Pigs (among others), was kind enough to let me draw the cover art for the album Sacrifice by Yrsel, his collaborative project with Ondo. The word is that Aurora Borealis will release this as a limited LP by the end of October. I'm really looking forward to seeing/hearing this work.

Swans / Baby Dee

2010-09-30T18:50:00.007-04:00

Photographs from the Swans / Baby Dee show at the Black Cat in Washington D.C. 9/29/2010

Swans are my favourite band, without a doubt. I drove up to D.C. to catch their show last night and managed to take these photos before becoming immersed in the sound. Gira and Westberg are two of my idols and I never imagined that i'd see them on stage together executing perfect renditions of Yr Property and Sex God Sex, nevermind their abolutely flattening reworkings of I Crawled and Beautiful Child. The entire band was phenomenal. It was life-affirming experience to witness this, and i'm still not convinced that these photos are a document of reality instead of some fever-induced hallucination.

Baby Dee, who i'm not very familiar with, was just as incredible in a very different way. She's a powerful figure by herself, with accordion in hand and harp at her feet, but the inclusion of a cellist and violinist didn't hamper her in the slightest. Some guy standing near me make the remark "I hope this isn't like Tiny Tim" before she took the stage, and I noted the chagrin on his face after she was finished. Terrific.

Son of Mourning II

2010-09-27T02:26:00.006-04:00

Updated design, meant to become a tattoo at some point in time.

I have an odd give and take response to Satanism. On a realistic level I don't believe in any sort of invisible world and reject the idea of divinity but regarding the Christian mythos in terms of literature or symbolism, Lucifer strikes me as a tragic figure more than anything else. It's the example of the Old Testament's theme that the punishment for a crime needs to far outweigh the crime itself, and as a result Lucifer's nebulous crime turns him into a straw dog that is single-handedly responsible for all the horrible things that can happen to anyone. False attribution. The line between Lucifer and Satan is hazy enough as it is, nevermind when you factor that Satan itself is a Hebrew word that means "The Accuser" and the question of whether this accuser is supposed to be an actual being (with or against Yahweh), or a symbol for any who oppose or question the doctrine. At any rate, my mind's been made up about this since I was a teenager but the dialogue only really occupies my mind when I spend time around holy proselytizing folk. My childhood in New York was relatively free of any religious dialogue (aside of being accused of heresy in some crazy sunday school program), but my days spent in suburban New Jersey were rife with it. Total strangers became very concerned about my well being when I started wearing pendants and rings, worrying aloud that I must have joined a cult to get these things. After my father died and I started wearing predominantly black clothing, people thought they had to convert me. I was splashed with holy water on a few occasions. My mother took me to her pastor and he and I spoke for a while about death and the afterlife and I walked away with nothing but the "it's part of a cosmic plan" rhetoric. When even the "bad" kids in high school were giving me shit about my immortal soul, going so far as to get the faculty involved, that's when this Lucifer/Satan dialogue began, and the same people who couldn't give me any answers about death were unable to give me any answers about Satan's crime. That's when Christianity became completely useless to me. When I moved back to New York as an adult, I was suddenly no longer subject to any of this bizarre persecution and I was became very calm and neutral about religion. These last seven years spent in the south, however, have sparked that old ire once more.

Art World / Noise Scene Casualties

2010-09-03T22:07:00.010-04:00

Since the botched abortion of a conversation I had with the tattoo artist earlier tonight, i've been bombarded by my own brain with the idiotic statements i've heard from other artsy folk and underground music artists/afficianados that all but drove me to be a recluse. I hear this shit in my sleep sometimes.

"I think Nirvana is what first made me like things that weren't normal."
-anonymous noise musician

"You'll notice the ceiling fan is moving while the main character is thinking. Something is always moving in my films. My father always said i'm very influenced by Akira Kurosawa and this is an example of that."
-heavily bearded film student

"The best, most successful artists, musicians, writers, fashion designers and creative people are where they are solely because they can explain exactly what they're doing, they know every facet of their work and can explain everything in detail to anyone. Why wasn't Michael Gira more famous? He didn't have a strong look to him. He wasn't like Nick Cave where you knew it was Nick Cave 'cuz he had huge hair, or like Henry Rollins and his huge neck."
-VCU art professor, former Brooklyn scenester

"I'm wearing all black because i'm pretending to be a movie director today."
-VCU film student

"People keep saying Western Civilization and i'm like 'whaaat?' That's an oxymoron. I mean really, come on people. Japan!"
-cockblocker

"The Adolescents, yeah man. Rikk Agnew was their guitar player and he was in Christian Death and their singer Rozz Williams killed himself. Wendy O. Williams killed herself too and had the same last name. Both of them were influenced by Robert Quine who also killed himself. He was influenced by Nick Drake who also killed himself."
-hookah bar casualty

"I really like post-rock. Define post-rock? What? How do you define post-rock?"
-a walking zygote

"No, this is how it is, Metallica are heavy metal, Black Sabbath are goth and Motorhead are hardcore. You're wrong."
-football-jersey wearing loudmouth

"I don't care who you are, you can't not like Green Day. You can't! When was there a punk band that was as distinctly American as Green Day? You have to respect them there."
-guy with 'bitches get stiches' tattoo just above the barbed wire

"People don't realize that art shows are dangerous business. People's frames get broken, some shit gets stolen and nobody's going to reimburse you if anything bad happens. We're definitely not. It's not the responsibility of the gallery to make sure you get paid if your work is sold either."
-feaux gallery operator with perpetual stench of dogwater

"The whole Middle East thing? I got one word. Judiasm. If Germany hadn't sent all their Jews to Isreal after World War II there would never have been a problem."
-why is there a woman dangling from this guy's arm?

"Now I aint racist but you know who I can't stand? The Latinos."
-a black man

"Mike Patton is the most experimental singer in the history of everything. I dare you to name someone more experimental! Diamanda Galas? Naw, she's too out-there."
-almost every pothead i've ever met

"My college roomate used to listen to really scary, like, terrifying shit. Like Death in June."
-catholic noise musician

"The reason i'm playing Daft Punk after our noise shows is because, come on this whole thing is a joke anyway. Nobody goes out to hear noise. When i'm doing this i'm essentially giving the middle finger to anyone who expects not to hear this."
-show promoter/disc jockey

"Here's my thing, I don't like movies that have low budgets. I mean, I don't care if it doesn't look good or if you use cheap materials and shit but it still looks decent, I don't care about that. You just can't be low budget, I hate that. What do you mean 'define budget?'"
-guy with a bachelor's degree in marketing

"No, I think Death Angel were much better than Dark Angel. Man, no, they weren't Extreme wannabes, they were more like Suicidal Tendencies than anything else."
-honky who thinks all vaguely hispanic-looking bands sound similar

"Nobody merged heavy metal and hardcore like Avenged Sevenfold. It just didn't happen. No, I never heard of Integrity, I don't listen to noise music."
-teenager wearing impossibly tight pants

"Man I don't know what you think, but evolution is bullshit. People who think that shit gotta realize, it's all about survival of the fittest."
-a guru, obviously

"Church doesn't tell you how to think. You're just going to the wrong church. You gotta go to a church like mine, where the pastor is all friendly and there are lots of nice, friendly people who know a lot about everything and can give you advice and show you the righteous path and tell you how you're supposed to think and how to act."
-almost everyone south of D.C.

Idiocy & the Zen of Tattooing

2010-09-03T19:18:00.008-04:00

In my weekly meanderings, I brought a copy of the drawing below to a few tattoo parlours to see if anyone in this fucked up shitwater town would be willing to do the work, and it's become clear that i'll have to wait until I can get back to Richmond to get any new work done because Ghostprint is the only place up to snuff.

BRO "The detail is too small"

ME "Explain"

BRO "Well the negative space is too small"

ME "Explain"

BRO "See this here? It's too thin. It will look good for maybe a year and then it'll go BLPHGRGPTTT"

ME "EXPLAIN"

BRO "It's just too small, this design will only work if it's like five feet wide"

ME "What are you talking about specifically, the black lines or the white lines?"

BRO "The negative space"

ME "WHAT NEGATIVE SPACE? WHITE LINES OR BLACK LINES? WHICH IZZIT?"

BRO "Well this right here, this white line here, WHICH WOULDN'T BE WHITE BECAUSE IT'S YOUR SKIN, MIND YOU. This white line will vanish because it's way too thin"

ME "When, a year after it's done?"

BRO "Pffft it'll disappear when it's HEALING bro"

This is when I pull up my sleeve and point to a negative space of equal thickness on my long-healed tattoo and say "LIKE THIS?"

He made a sort of gargling sound. I walked out.

I can respect a guy who wants to flex his artistic muscle just enough to tattoo the Batman logo on someone's shoulder blade but don't try to make me feel like I did something wrong when all I really did was present you with a difficult job, you fucking stooge.

Son of Mourning

2010-08-12T19:16:00.003-04:00

"Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?" -Mark Twain

Ink // 2010

Unrequited

2010-07-11T16:32:00.006-04:00

Photograph // 2010

A Prayer for the Coming Silence

2010-06-12T17:55:00.002-04:00

Medusa II

2010-04-26T01:21:00.003-04:00

Tattoo by the wonderful Thea Duskin at Ghostprint, Richmond VA

Pale Companion

2010-03-03T21:36:00.004-05:00

Black & white photos // 2009

Taken when I returned home from a Wrnlrd show sometime last year, this is a document of the excitement of my little roomate Bella. Her white body illuminates the room as she dances.

Tanin'iver

2010-02-25T01:28:00.004-05:00

I neglected to share this drawing I made last year for upstart online zine Tanin'iver, named after the biblical blind dragon steed of Lilith. It's my hope that more will come of this collaborative effort, preferably as soon as I get my proverbial shit together.

Medusa

2010-01-27T00:09:00.005-05:00

Haven't been feeling tremendously creative this year, rather demoralized. However, should I save up enough money I do have a suitable design for a shoulder tattoo.

Coma

2010-01-09T01:22:00.002-05:00

For whatever reason my domain name is dead, all knowledge of it having ever existed has vanished from my Lunarpages account, as well as all of the files and images that were hosted with it.

Whoops.

I'll see you whenever it is that I wake up.

Premonitions

2009-11-09T01:16:00.006-05:00

All of our hands tremble

Prop

2009-03-29T02:18:00.003-04:00

India Ink // 2009

First drawing of 2009, nearly four months late, drawn only to use as a prop in photographic experiments. Rusty. Still having a lot of trouble considering this whole endevour of being creative worthwhile.

2009-01-12T15:22:00.004-05:00

Last night I decided to buy a bit of wine with some of the money I have left until payday and spent all night at home, drinking and getting more and more delirious. The last thing I remember is stepping outside and finding myself awash in yellow light, powerful focused flares streaming out in the night blackness. Suddenly I was in New York again and for a moment I was a child in my joy, as though these years spent wandering aimlessly in an attempt to find a place where I would be happy were only meant to send me back to the time and place I want to exist in more than anything. The things i've been doing all this time to fill the void are nothing. The art and the music are all meaningless. Why else would there still be this feeling of crushing emptiness?

I blinked a few times and found that what I saw was just the street lights reflecting across the glass windows of all the cars in the parking lot of my apartment complex.

The Words That Form His Name

2009-01-09T11:54:00.003-05:00

India Ink // 2008

Dogs

2008-12-29T12:51:00.004-05:00

India Ink // 2008 - 2005

Recurring figures. These dogs would tear my child body apart. Only a few years ago have I begun to reciprocate. I found myself peeling the skin from their throats layer by layer until I could cradle their heads in my hands. They don't visit quite so much anymore.

Crown of Moths

2008-12-13T13:01:00.004-05:00

India Ink & Charcoal // 2008

Theirs is the light that penetrates, swarms into me.
Enter me. I am fleshless. You are my mind. I have no form.

Vârcolac

2008-11-30T00:55:00.004-05:00

India Ink // 2008

Devour the earth, devour the sun.

Cover art for a planned Buer vinyl release.

Adoration

2008-11-23T22:40:00.004-05:00

India Ink & Charcoal // 2008

Some are loved.

Exanimus

2008-11-19T11:30:00.003-05:00

India Ink // 2008

Lifeless.

Possession(s)

2008-11-08T18:04:00.006-05:00

India ink, charcoal and Prisma Colour marker // 2008

Another visitor. Very gradually she takes her form, first as a vapour wisp, some stray fabric, flesh, body, woman, demon. She never faces me.

Eight years earlier I had tried to exorcise the image. She comes back, every time more human. Softer.

KVLT Bullshit 2007 Edition

2008-11-08T17:12:00.016-05:00

On one occasion I was asked to do album artwork for a "black noise" group that will not be named. I started this thing in ink but then had to switch to pencil for idiot contractual obligations. This is as far as I got before I completely lost interest due to various reasons. On that note, here are a few handy tips in case you'd really love nothing more than to piss off a guy who's drawing your album art:

1: Stress that the album is already completed and is on the verge of imminent, nay IMMACULATE, release, with the only factor preventing said imminent release being the artwork, which must be perfect in all ways and provided as fast as humanly possible.

2: Demand that I draw rough sketches in pencil before inking them for an unknown bullshit reason, despite my statement that the drawing process is done in ink right from the beginning with textures being fleshed out directly from the outlines as they're being drawn. Ignore the fact that not only does adding this superfluous step accomplish nothing but delaying the process, but that this tampering of the process might not achieve the same result as my regular work, which is what you claimed to have wanted.

3: See the rough drafts and unabashedly complain that the artwork is too clean, that ink and texture are badly needed.

4: If you're in (or are), the band that's asking me to draw this shit for you, it's really great when you send me countless emails gushing over my skills, my integrity, and above all my ONENESS with the concept of your entire musical output and expression. Then be sure to tell the label that I don't get what's going on and am totally fucking everything up, so that THEY can let me know how you really feel. Totally not aggravating.

5: AGAIN, if you're in (or are), the band that's asking me to draw this shit for you, it's great when you make up fictional band members who happen to dislike what I do. For instance, here is an excerpt from one of their many emails that sums it up nicely how wonderful it is to work with such a conceptual individual:

"Grim helloes from the Netherworld, James! It is I, Ravyn. While I find your most recent pencil sketch to be the pristine chapel of desecrating awesomeness that it most certainly is, Jorge over here thinks it is too commercial. I however, love it and all you do. Horrible wishes, love and kisses! -RAVYN"

6: Ask if I can draw "tiny little skulls" in all the "vein-shaped things" in the "background," if that's not too much of a "hassle."

7: FINALLY, inbetween lectures and grief about how my pencil sketches don't live up to the mightiness of your expectations, release a fucking gatefold LP where the cover art is a digital photo of a tree run through the "plastic wrap" filter in Photoshop.

Within Their Peccant Aperture (Fragment)

2008-10-31T10:30:00.007-04:00

India Ink // 2008

See the entire piece at the Halloween exhibit courtesy of the wonderful Monster Brains blog.

Veinscape

2008-10-15T14:26:00.008-04:00

Watercolours & Gouache on Textured Paper // 2003

I just found this in an old portfolio along with some other art-school type nonsense put together solely to woo some admissions lady into enrolling me in VCU's art program (it worked). I used to be much more attracted to the idea of colour field painting and this was my first stab at incorporating the idea into my visual lexicon. Afterwards I painted a number of these and gave them away to people I admired for any various reason (some stray compliment thrown my way about the huge combat boots I wore, that kind of thing). Whoops.

If you notice the top left corner, the black gouache is all smudged. I wanted to seal these paintings and asked one of my professors what was the best type of varnish to seal a watercolour painting. She gave me the name of an acrylic brush-on matte varnish, saying "don't ever use spray varnish, it's not professional." Neither is smudging a water-based painting with a water-based varnish. Double whoops.

The Impetus of the Salivating Lamb

2008-09-11T14:33:00.011-04:00

India & Grey Ink // 2008

Inspired by a short piece of music by Never Presence Forever with the same title, I drew this hoping to start up a short series of drawings based on song titles that are inexplicably awesome. I've got a few more in the works but unfortunately the idea didn't really inspire me enough to get me back into the old days of producing at least one drawing a day. I'd settle for one drawing a week these days but what can you do. I'm very pleased with how this turned out, although the grey ink smudged in trying to create a salivation effect and I ended up covering it with black ink to hide the error. Hence this really isn't as much of a salivating lamb as it should be.

Anyhow, Never Presence Forever is easily my favourite noise/ambient project. Andrew's elaborate song titles, carefully composed sounds and a consistency in the visual qualities of the actual releases set a standard for me in how this style of music should be treated. In my meager stab at mp3 bloggery, here's an mp3 of the song that inspired this:

Never Presence Forever "The Impetus of the Salivating Lamb"

Taken from a split cassette with Sickness released in 2001, this thing is not that easy to find. It took me a few years of looking before I could snag this one. Enjoy.

:EDIT:

Nature Goddess

2008-08-25T02:07:00.006-04:00

India Ink // 2005

Someone I thought I admired. The flowers around her head bothered me and encouraged me focus on trying to push realistic forms into more abstract territory without losing the depth of reality. As such, the white spots around her head look too much like cross-hatched splotches than anything else, and if they aren't going to be instantly recognized as flowers then they really should be instantly recognized as something that isn't just cross-hatching. Cropped for self-interest, as the remainder of her body is very poorly shaded. I'd really like to draw something like this again now that i've become better with rendering forms and shading them, just with a different person.

A Black Nightmare

2008-08-15T09:56:00.006-04:00

India Ink // 2006

A recurring figure. The secrets it tells me at night never suvive the daybreak. One day I might awaken and recall vividly every word this thing has ever said to me. For now only memories of its twisted gyrating mouth remain.

Used as the flyer for what was to be the final Narcotic Dreams show. The textured columns resurface on the disc face of "Three Lights Extinguished."

A Red Nightmare

2008-08-15T09:45:00.005-04:00

India Ink // 2005

As a small child I once dreamt of being alone in a huge empty dark house, hearing a soft muffled voice calling my name from the shadows. I searched everywhere and finally opened a door leading to a stairway downward and saw my grandmother's severed head on the floor, her blood drenching the walls forming a vacuum of dimension where no space was present save for an endless expanse of solid quivering red. The scream that came from her mouth almost seemed to come from every blood cell on the walls, reverberations of which continued to trail off after awakening. This drawing was a meager attempt at exorcising the image.

A section of this drawing appeared in the Narcotic Dreams release "Shattered."

Wrnlrd Portrait (Circa Aught Six)

2008-08-14T01:33:00.008-04:00

India Ink on textured watercolour paper // 2006

I've met Wrnlrd on a few occasions and this is an accurate portrayal.

Dead Angel

2008-08-13T13:49:00.004-04:00

Digital composite of a sharpie sketch and the resulting painting // 2005

Put together for a Richmond, VA based noise/experimental 'zine that never came to fruition (what else is new).

Shining In The Eyes Of A Severed Head

2008-08-13T01:26:00.007-04:00

India Ink // 2007

Appears in the One Lifeless Eye "Three Lights Extinguished" CD.

Together We Await The End Of Days

2008-08-13T00:38:00.005-04:00

India Ink & Charcoal // 2008

The saviour is upon us. I've seen his face and i've seen his scars. Stand with me in his light, be blinded with our sanctity at hand. Await his voice with me. It is nothing but a realization.

Some artwork and lyrics from the forthcoming Buer album "The Words That Form His Name."

Priestess

2008-08-12T12:21:00.004-04:00

India Ink // 2008

Modeled after Mucère. Appears in the One Lifeless Eye "Gravesoil" cassette.

Cephalomancy

2008-08-12T01:04:00.003-04:00

India Ink & Acrylic Paint // 2007

A Lasting Memory

2008-08-12T00:23:00.006-04:00

India Ink // 2007

Sometimes an event occurs and no matter how hard you try to blur the reality or distance yourself from the memory, you can still feel its residue tingling across the surface of your skin. Sometimes it congeals to form a knot somewhere in your abdomen. Sometimes it takes both forms simultaneously. It's always there.