On scene entitlement and live performances...

On January 3rd 2009, I made the decision that the show I played the night before would be the final one. I felt that it was the last in a string of performances that were mediocre at best and embarrassing at worst, made all the worse by being matched with groups that shared zero similar interests or motivations which attracted a crowd that was consistently not at all into what I do. A low point was seeing the group I opened for tout around a mentally impaired black man and try to sell people on the fact that they were great because they touted around a "retarded black man who raps with us." Another problem was the logistics of being forced to play in places that had zero interest in underground/obscure/austere music, but caved into the pressure of putting on shows on their off-nights because they were buddies with the members of the groups that were playing. That's all well and good except for the fact that they wanted the music so low that their clientele were still able to talk over it (and they certainly did that). The closer I got to reaching the uncomfortable nadir of it all, belly dancers were brought in to dress up the music for potential onlookers and after two shows of being paired with someone who doesn't understand that some music lacks a danceable beat, I had my fill of dance as an artform in and of itself.

A year had passed, I caved in and wanted to play a show in Norfolk that was put on by Swim Harder Cassettes, which very unfortunately fell through because of car trouble. Some time later, someone in Maryland invited me to play a festival of black metal, noise and horror films, which fell through when our communication came to a halt. Last month, after having sold the majority of my equipment while unemployed, the person responsible for the show in January 2009 came out of nowhere and asked if I would play a similarly themed show in October. I immediately replied that I couldn't because of having no equipment whatsoever. I was offered this person's equipment to use, and I declined again. Then I felt bad and thought I could make an effort to get enough equipment to make for a barebones set while still being One Lifeless Eye, and I said that I MIGHT be able to do it, POSSIBLY. A few weeks later I see my name on a flyer for said show. At this point I haven't acquired a quarter of the gear I need to do anything in public, nevermind anything good. After scouring the local music stores, being an ebay vulture and seeing that I couldn't regain the necessary gear without spending at least $500, I asked to take my name off the flyer. And i've come to find out that this makes me human garbage to this person. Fine with me.

That being said, here are some of my positions on playing shows, for the sake of clarification and to help alleviate some stress and anger that I really don't need to be harboring.

1: I am not here to provide a backdrop for ANYTHING. I'm not some dark ambient guy who makes music for your kvlt bubble bath time, I am not here to provide a mood for your art opening and I am not here to provide an ambient segueway for "the real show." My shows are all planned with the formula of preamble, rising action, climax and falling action and if you ask me to play a show, that's what i'm going to play.

2: The reason I started playing the occasional show in the first place was to try sharing my ideas, experiences, sounds and visuals with people who I think and hope would find some resonance therein. I would like them to share their own ideas, experiences, sounds, visuals and whatever else they'd like to share in response. I've formed some strong bonds this way and am thankful that I had the opportunity to form those bonds. I will not be forming those bonds if i'm constantly opening for a band with an intentionally terrible name, making terrible music for the sake of irony and likening the entire noise genre to Neil Hamburger. This sounds stand-offish but I know for a fact that I won't be forming those bonds in that climate because in the past four years of existing in that very climate, i've found no opportunity to do such a thing. Sorry, irony is not my scene. Plese try not to take it personally when I come to the conclusion that there's nothing in it for me to be maintain a consistent presence in the completely wrong scene.

3: I do not understand you when anyone tells me I should be "in it for the sake of art." If you want to talk to me about art, first you have to define what art is and then maybe i'll agree with you. However, the chances are fairly certain that I will not agree with you because if I did agree with you, you would never have had to tell me to play your show in the name of art. I would've been sold on it beforehand. Of course, everyone has their own meaning of art and everyone has their own idea of what makes their art important to themselves. A lot of people who start these areacode noise collectives have the idea that their art is important to themselves as long as it's important to society or the local scene or whomever they want to impress or insult, and I don't agree with that mentality at all. I don't expect you to believe what I believe, please show me that same respect. If you're putting on a show to say "FUCK YOU" to the people who have a certain expectation of what noise or music or performance is, then count me out.

4: The concept of playing a show for free has worn VERY thin since the first show in 2003. The only show I played that paid out was at the Badgerhaus in Raleigh, NC, and it was for $11 and I was surprised when I got it. Shuttling around every month or so in the local area is one thing, but if you want me to drive three states away, you'd best be throwing me some gas money. "BUT JAMES THAT'S NOT WHY WE'RE IN IT BLABLABLA SAKE OF ART," go fuck yourself, my art isn't entirely free. Sorry.

5: Finally, and most importantly, if you have nothing invested in me as a friend or as anyone you even remotely give a shit about other than a name to fill the vacancy in your "evening of experimental music program," then please don't be hurt when I treat you the same way. It's not often that I approach someone about playing a show. I'd say that 80% of the time that I end up playing out it's because someone asked me to do it, and I find it increasingly difficult to deal with people who take it as a personal insult when I say that I can't do it. Look, guy, I don't owe you a whole lot. You asked, I declined. I'd say sorry but at this point i'm tired of apologizing to people who want me to do something I really do not want to do. As it stands right now, there are about four people who I would play a show for, and some of us are still in talks of putting together what would be a perfect show in a perfect venue, and it'll be fun when it happens. But in the meantime if someone asks me to do a show in the immediate future, due to lack of equipment the answer is "no." Maybe some other time.